Crystal Hunt by Hsu Hsia (Review)
You know, sometimes I don’t think you people realize what I put myself through in order to bring you these well-written movie reviews. I’ve cringed my way through many a movie that would reduce a lesser man to a babbling idiot. And if I’m not careful, I just might find myself babbling on and on about just how bad Crystal Hunt is. I’m not sure what I watched, but I think it just ended up being a dreadful ripoff of Indiana Jones, Jackie Chan’s Operation Condor series (there are even some lame outtakes during the end credits), and Keystone Cops. And I don’t mean that in a good way.
The primary reason I rented this film was Donnie Yen. I loved him in Iron Monkey and I’ve read all sorts of accolades about his skills as a martial artist. But after watching this movie, one thing becomes clear. Yen may be skilled in the arts of wushu, but as Crystal Hunt shows, he needs some serious training in the art of picking good movies to star in.
Crystal Hunt is a confusing melange of story lines and silly characters that feel like rejects from a Jackie Chan caper/comedy film, thrown into a plot that’s just too boring and contrived to be interesting. There’s the daughter who’s trying to save her dying father; naturally, he can only be cured by a golden crystal with magical powers. She contacts a well-known archaeologist to find it for her. And wouldn’t you know it… the archaeologist’s assistant runs afoul of some nogoodniks who specialize in smuggling antiques.
When the archaeologist turns up missing, his daughter turns to her boyfriend, Brett (Yen) for help. I don’t know about you, but when I find out the hero of the film used to be a cop, but retired and became a tour guide because he didn’t want to worry his girlfriend, I get a little worried. Of course, Brett still retains his martial arts skills, but I bet they don’t get much use ushering tourists around. Brett contacts his former partner, Trina. To say that these two have an interesting relationship is an understatement. When they’re not starting bar fights, they play a mean game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” that involves a lot of slapping. And they bicker… a lot.
Eventually all of these come together, but for the life of me, I can’t really remember how. Maybe it’s because I just stopped caring after watching endless shenanigans, dumb jokes, poor editing, and abbreviated scenes. Oh, and then there’s the acting, which is about as hammy and over the top as you can get, and in all the wrong ways. This is just not much of an action flick. Where’s the tension? When the troupe finally sets off on their perilous trek for the crystal dressed like they’re going on a picnic, it’s a safe bet this film is so far down the crapper that nothing can save it. Yeah, you’re going off to some remote locale, and only one of you is dressed like he’s ready for the trip? That’s some smart thinking there, folks.
This film is so inane it doesn’t register anywhere on the scale. I watched it a few days ago, and it’s already a fading memory. At least with Operation Condor (which, to be sure, is a pretty dim jewel in Jackie Chan’s crown), we got to see the hero fight a gaggle of satanic monks and a quartet of stiletto heel-wearing Amazons. At the end of Crystal Hunt, we see the heros get arrested and yes… start bickering once again. How’s that for anti-climactic?!